This calls for chocolate at the very least...

I don't know how he does it but he does. I blogged yesterday about feeling like I am coming apart at the seams then proceeded to do so lol. I literally seemed to be there for a bit. Everything i touched fell apart. It was one of those days you want to just go back to bed. Even my computer didn't cooperate lol. I thought I lost a important work document. He found it for me. Where would I be without him. I laughed last night and said ok is this day over yet omg don't let me touch anything you might want to keep around. I am a walking disaster today. 


He even asked me if I wanted him to go get me some chocolate. This man is a keeper I do believe. We snuck out to our little hideaway last night. Which was just what I needed.  I am glad yesterday is over and they are few and far between. I usually can keep it together lol. I often ask him how he puts up with me and my needy ways. His reply is you are supposed to be needy. 

Spare the rod.......

So back to blogging with a lack of things to blog about can pose a problem lol. I guess the problem isn't so much having nothing to blog about as its trying to figure out where to start. Well we are still on the non smoking trail. 2 months pretty good. We are feeling healthier but still the whole life thing can wear you out, down and just plain exhaust you. We want to be everything to each other who doesn't we just cant figure out how to get the rest of the world to cooperate. 

So we have been so busy and at night we fall into the bed wondering what our names even are some nights. We give each other the this wont go on forever pep talks as needed. I just don't want to be that pouty whiny person that is going hey me what about me lol. I don't want to foot stomp.  The running joke around here lately is........ is that a spanking offence lol. I sometimes tease i could burn the whole dang house down and not get one. The whole idea that one might want one sort of defeats the purpose.. this pain slut sometimes just needs the release i guess. 

I need order and discipline in my life. When I am not getting it for whatever reason I tend to come apart at the seams. That's never good. I really do feel lost and then I finally might have earned a spanking and my back starts to hurt and its not going to happen. I want to cry in frustration how can things be so damn messed up. Then add insult to injury aunt flow comes to visit. I am already feeling needy and pouty and now we add crampy and hormonal. I just plain give up lol. 

To Stop is easy...to Start again not so much...

I stopped blogging for a number of reasons. Mostly it was kids home up my proverbial ass all day long watching my every move. Then it was the winter blues. This isn't to say I stopped being a submissive. I just didn't write because it so wasn't sexy. There was a point where a child was home for 2 weeks almost, whimpering whining sick and that was just when I started my new adventure in quitting smoking. Yes you read that right I quit smoking. Daddy was also sick and smoking way to much so he said he should quit and I said great lets do it. It has been almost 2 months now. No I didn't cheat and I didn't pout or whine. Not a single spanking or punishment doled out it wasn't about that. It was about us both getting healthy so we could start acting like a pair of teenagers lol. 


So in a previous blog I mentioned our little hideaway and how it was being abandoned for the winter. Well winter is over spring weather is here and first thing Daddy did was get us back out there where we can be alone and make a little noise or just sit and eat candy and talk about the day... yes you quit smoking you eat everything that isn't nailed down. We both gained a little lol. When you spent so much time smoking you actually realize how much of your day was devoted to it. So we are back on track feeling healthier. I am back to blogging. As this blog was about me my submission and I said at the beginning its not where I am going to whine cry and pout about life. Lets face it life is what happens while you making plans...

Multiple Orgasms...

I always say multiple orgasms is God's way of saying sorry for child birth. There is a reason women hit their sexual prime in their 30's. The ole biological clock ticks away. I was just hitting my prime when I met Daddy. He gave me my first real orgasm and my first multiple ones. He is a very attentive lover. There is no selfishness about it. Though I have encouraged him to be a little more selfish. 


I remember when we first met. When he would come and spend a week with me. I couldn't get enough. He still teases me about the time he dragged me to the movies and I sat there fidgeting and unable to watch the movie because all I wanted was to get back to the hotel room. He once asked me when he really had me. When I was really his. Was it when he had my eyes rolling back in my head and all I could say was damn. I said damn a lot lol. 


So here is the answer. This is when he had me totally. We spent a week at a time together once a month for 3 months straight. The second week he came. He said something or I did. I can't even remember who said what. All I know is I ran. I stomped out and started for home. I was angry and upset. Doing the whole grumbling while I stomped along. I didn't get half way home when I swear I heard his voice in my head. Which only made me more upset. I stopped right there on the sidewalk wondering what to do. Then I surprised myself and turned around and headed back. There I was standing at his door. When he opened it I said I hate you. I hate you for already being inside my head. He made love to me that night softly sweetly and whispered all the things I needed to hear. That was when he had me. That was the moment I was his. 

Feeling... (warning long rambling post)

My views on sexuality are in large part shaped by my upbringing. I learned early what made me different from boys. By the time I was 12, before puberty even hit , I knew what the opposite sex wanted from me. 

At the ripe old age of 16 I learned that sexuality could also be used as currency. I am not embarrassed by this or ashamed because, I had something they wanted, something of value. I was 16 when I was introduced to my first vibrator. I wasn't terribly impressed I must say lol. The lifestyle desires were there but the need to protect myself over road these desires. The man who introduced me to my first vibrator wasn't some scary perv in my mind. We had an arrangement. I needed a place to stay he wanted some companionship and a babysitter on occasion. When we parted ways it was like ok business completed nice knowing you. There were many men like him over a period of time. 

At 18 I found myself pregnant and alone and ready to take on this new role with gusto. I was young people will say. The truth of it was I had lived a more by the time I was 18 than most ever will. So settling down building a life was just what I needed. I met a man who I had dated once. I at the time was 7 months pregnant and he came over for dinner and never left. He was safe and didn't desire sex from me like everyone else had in the past. There was no real love there. There was a security in it though. The ring on my finger was like a talisman protecting me. I emotionally checked out long ago the truth be told and it was comforting to me that I could stay that way. We were together for almost ten years and the words I love you were never uttered by either party. He too I think was looking for the same kind of security that I was for different reasons. I think honestly he had homosexual desires and hard core religious parents that expected him to do the right thing and settle down have a family. I gave him a ready made family. 

I have always have had the lifestyle desires. I remember being 15 years old and some guy telling me he had a cabin in the woods. I later found myself masturbating to the idea of being tied up on a bed in a cabin just like it. When I broached the subject with my ex it wasn't his thing. I should have guessed when we never had sex to begin with twice a year honestly. Which meant lots of masturbating on my part for years. He actually was the one that suggested if there was something more i needed I should go online and find it. 

When I met Daddy it was online. We spent many hours online together. When the realization hit he wasn't like all the rest. I was thrilled. It was like a one in a million find. I had hit the lottery so to speak. Daddy is very sexual sure but then again so am I. It is the emotional side that he brings out in me. I sometimes feel broken. Like I don't react normally to situations. When most people get stressed they scream cry and let all those emotions out. I break out. My body reacts because I am unable to react emotionally. I have had some very stressful situations in my life. One time when a child was sick and we were doing the mad dash to the hospital. I didn't react. When the diagnosis came I didn't react. When the Dr.s are watching you for that break down that never comes. You wonder is there something wrong with you. 

What I need now and what also scares me is I need that emotional connection. I want to break down the walls that I have built. I am also afraid once you start down that slippery slope there is no going back. Daddy wants to be everything to me. I just need to trust him. Let him in. It sound so easy doesn't it. To just let it all go. Well there is a fear there. I real tangible fear that if I become this emotional weepy needy thing. He might not want me. Use my body do anything you wish. I can deal with that. Make me face how I might feel about something and I balk. I fight it tooth and nail. I want it but I don't. I need it but its so overwhelming scary. Like walking at tight rope with someone saying there is a safety net there really there is but never believing it. 

I love you .....But.....

This is how I am feeling lately. Sadly saying so doesn't help at all. I love you... but.... is not what I needed to hear today. 

PMS = Potential Murder Suspect

Yes here we are that time of the month again you could set your watch by my mood. Aunt flow came to visit. Isn't that the cutesiest  term for something that can leave you a ball of raging hormones. Daddy usually keeps the house stocked with chocolate for just such occasions. He also has baked me brownie pudding which is to die for. It is a very rich dessert and I should post the recipe its not for the faint of heart with 2 sticks of butter 2 cups of sugar and like 6 eggs. Though let me tell you put them together with a little cocoa and you have heaven in a bowl. 


Now in order to get brownie pudding I have to be a really good girl. One time he said good girls get the brownie pudding and bad girls will wind up with jello lol. I was like your kidding right. Nope apparently he wasn't as the next morning sitting untouched was a whole bowl of jello. 


So how does one earn brownie pudding? She begs that's how. Its actually kind of  hot the way he makes me come out of my comfort zone. Daddy loves to hear me beg. Begging to have him fuck me is so damn delicious.  When its anal and he knows I want it and how hard it is for me to even admit it let alone beg for it. He can make me do things and say things that no other man ever could. Simply because he is my Daddy in all ways.