Multiple Orgasms...

I always say multiple orgasms is God's way of saying sorry for child birth. There is a reason women hit their sexual prime in their 30's. The ole biological clock ticks away. I was just hitting my prime when I met Daddy. He gave me my first real orgasm and my first multiple ones. He is a very attentive lover. There is no selfishness about it. Though I have encouraged him to be a little more selfish. 


I remember when we first met. When he would come and spend a week with me. I couldn't get enough. He still teases me about the time he dragged me to the movies and I sat there fidgeting and unable to watch the movie because all I wanted was to get back to the hotel room. He once asked me when he really had me. When I was really his. Was it when he had my eyes rolling back in my head and all I could say was damn. I said damn a lot lol. 


So here is the answer. This is when he had me totally. We spent a week at a time together once a month for 3 months straight. The second week he came. He said something or I did. I can't even remember who said what. All I know is I ran. I stomped out and started for home. I was angry and upset. Doing the whole grumbling while I stomped along. I didn't get half way home when I swear I heard his voice in my head. Which only made me more upset. I stopped right there on the sidewalk wondering what to do. Then I surprised myself and turned around and headed back. There I was standing at his door. When he opened it I said I hate you. I hate you for already being inside my head. He made love to me that night softly sweetly and whispered all the things I needed to hear. That was when he had me. That was the moment I was his. 

Feeling... (warning long rambling post)

My views on sexuality are in large part shaped by my upbringing. I learned early what made me different from boys. By the time I was 12, before puberty even hit , I knew what the opposite sex wanted from me. 

At the ripe old age of 16 I learned that sexuality could also be used as currency. I am not embarrassed by this or ashamed because, I had something they wanted, something of value. I was 16 when I was introduced to my first vibrator. I wasn't terribly impressed I must say lol. The lifestyle desires were there but the need to protect myself over road these desires. The man who introduced me to my first vibrator wasn't some scary perv in my mind. We had an arrangement. I needed a place to stay he wanted some companionship and a babysitter on occasion. When we parted ways it was like ok business completed nice knowing you. There were many men like him over a period of time. 

At 18 I found myself pregnant and alone and ready to take on this new role with gusto. I was young people will say. The truth of it was I had lived a more by the time I was 18 than most ever will. So settling down building a life was just what I needed. I met a man who I had dated once. I at the time was 7 months pregnant and he came over for dinner and never left. He was safe and didn't desire sex from me like everyone else had in the past. There was no real love there. There was a security in it though. The ring on my finger was like a talisman protecting me. I emotionally checked out long ago the truth be told and it was comforting to me that I could stay that way. We were together for almost ten years and the words I love you were never uttered by either party. He too I think was looking for the same kind of security that I was for different reasons. I think honestly he had homosexual desires and hard core religious parents that expected him to do the right thing and settle down have a family. I gave him a ready made family. 

I have always have had the lifestyle desires. I remember being 15 years old and some guy telling me he had a cabin in the woods. I later found myself masturbating to the idea of being tied up on a bed in a cabin just like it. When I broached the subject with my ex it wasn't his thing. I should have guessed when we never had sex to begin with twice a year honestly. Which meant lots of masturbating on my part for years. He actually was the one that suggested if there was something more i needed I should go online and find it. 

When I met Daddy it was online. We spent many hours online together. When the realization hit he wasn't like all the rest. I was thrilled. It was like a one in a million find. I had hit the lottery so to speak. Daddy is very sexual sure but then again so am I. It is the emotional side that he brings out in me. I sometimes feel broken. Like I don't react normally to situations. When most people get stressed they scream cry and let all those emotions out. I break out. My body reacts because I am unable to react emotionally. I have had some very stressful situations in my life. One time when a child was sick and we were doing the mad dash to the hospital. I didn't react. When the diagnosis came I didn't react. When the Dr.s are watching you for that break down that never comes. You wonder is there something wrong with you. 

What I need now and what also scares me is I need that emotional connection. I want to break down the walls that I have built. I am also afraid once you start down that slippery slope there is no going back. Daddy wants to be everything to me. I just need to trust him. Let him in. It sound so easy doesn't it. To just let it all go. Well there is a fear there. I real tangible fear that if I become this emotional weepy needy thing. He might not want me. Use my body do anything you wish. I can deal with that. Make me face how I might feel about something and I balk. I fight it tooth and nail. I want it but I don't. I need it but its so overwhelming scary. Like walking at tight rope with someone saying there is a safety net there really there is but never believing it. 

I love you .....But.....

This is how I am feeling lately. Sadly saying so doesn't help at all. I love you... but.... is not what I needed to hear today. 

PMS = Potential Murder Suspect

Yes here we are that time of the month again you could set your watch by my mood. Aunt flow came to visit. Isn't that the cutesiest  term for something that can leave you a ball of raging hormones. Daddy usually keeps the house stocked with chocolate for just such occasions. He also has baked me brownie pudding which is to die for. It is a very rich dessert and I should post the recipe its not for the faint of heart with 2 sticks of butter 2 cups of sugar and like 6 eggs. Though let me tell you put them together with a little cocoa and you have heaven in a bowl. 


Now in order to get brownie pudding I have to be a really good girl. One time he said good girls get the brownie pudding and bad girls will wind up with jello lol. I was like your kidding right. Nope apparently he wasn't as the next morning sitting untouched was a whole bowl of jello. 


So how does one earn brownie pudding? She begs that's how. Its actually kind of  hot the way he makes me come out of my comfort zone. Daddy loves to hear me beg. Begging to have him fuck me is so damn delicious.  When its anal and he knows I want it and how hard it is for me to even admit it let alone beg for it. He can make me do things and say things that no other man ever could. Simply because he is my Daddy in all ways. 

Time out...

Yes I on occasion get a time out. Daddy has his own method for giving me a time out. I actually rather like it. Yesterday after work he took me upstairs and chained me by one leg cuff to the bed. He has done this before. Its actually very calming. I read, and hung out with the kitten. I am just not allowed off the bed. I spent 3 hours this way. It really can set your mind right. Its not a punishment as much as its permission to just check out and chill for a bit. 


I actually have changed jobs in the last 6 months. Same work different company. I actually said to Daddy last night this new job unsettles me and I get very frustrated because of one simple thing. Structure there is none. I need that and the lack of it throws me off kilter in all aspects of my life. There were procedures and information flowed at my last company. This new one you pretty much show up do what you want and leave no information or feedback. Then you get an email from my lovely boss who honestly has no tact. When you open an email from your employer and read the words. You are just ignorant; not sent directly to me, but to all the staff,  you wonder.


So yes after dealing with uncertainty and idiocy all day. I need a time out. I do appreciate that he allows me this little indulgence. He has suggested its time I schedule a mental health day. Take a day off and spend it just being Daddy's little girl. I am on board with that idea. I sometimes think I need a mental health week. 

Angst and stuff

I am starting to have doubts. The fear I am not cut out for this as badly as I want it creeps in. Tuesday he beats me good and by Thursday I am crawling out of my skin with angst.  I almost feel this internal struggle going on. Why can't I just be the good little submissive. There is like this disconnect though if that's the right way to describe it. I always end up feeling like there is something wrong with me for needing this. It leaves me wanting to cry in frustration when he says well what do you want tell me. He being a man wants the insert tab A into slot B version. Beat me 326 strokes then rub here lol. What I can't seem to express is how I want to feel while he is inserting tab A into slot B. 


That's my problem the inability to articulate feelings. I mean lets face it ladies there is a huge difference between ok so you want your ass beat bend over and you been naughty and I am going to punish you. There is whole emotional side to the latter that is what most of us are striving for. So asking for it defeats the purpose on the emotional level. So after what you could only call a tantrum he said he was going to punish me this morning after the kids were gone before work. He said have the belt ready. Now I have that whole Daddy fantasy you know the one where he takes off the belt and you know your gonna get it and you are going to be a begging pleading sobbing mess. Your not gonna just say you sorry but your going to mean it. Honestly that is the one scenario that would elicit the emotional response I was talking about. Now as much as he says I am not communicative on this one I have actually said this would do it for me. This one I hinted at long before we even met. 


So you are thinking to yourselves well Damn this might not be something you want to do an hour before work. No probably not. It didn't happen. Kid was sick stayed home from school. Looks like I will be getting a rain check on this.

Opening up?? maybe I might

Daddy has asked me if it took so long for me to admit I am a little pain slut. What else am i keeping locked away? He said he really wants to know it all and that I can tell him anyway I feel  comfortable. Well the problem is I don't know why but I clam up when it comes such things. Now I don't any bizarre fetishes that would make him squick. 


I do love when he shows that sadistic side. I am sitting here with a couple of little bruises from yesterday's play. Had I known he was holding back I would have mentioned it so much earlier. I guess the lesson learned here is sometimes in order to get what you need you have to speak up. I am going to give it a honest try being a little more open about what i need. I often think he has his hands far more full than he realizes. 


We actually sat down yesterday and watched "The story of "O". It was interesting to say the least. There were parts of it I can honestly say did nothing for me. I did however like how it was portrayed. There was no real seediness to it. It was just what they did. It  is quite impressive for the time it was made.