Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Feeling... (warning long rambling post)

My views on sexuality are in large part shaped by my upbringing. I learned early what made me different from boys. By the time I was 12, before puberty even hit , I knew what the opposite sex wanted from me. 

At the ripe old age of 16 I learned that sexuality could also be used as currency. I am not embarrassed by this or ashamed because, I had something they wanted, something of value. I was 16 when I was introduced to my first vibrator. I wasn't terribly impressed I must say lol. The lifestyle desires were there but the need to protect myself over road these desires. The man who introduced me to my first vibrator wasn't some scary perv in my mind. We had an arrangement. I needed a place to stay he wanted some companionship and a babysitter on occasion. When we parted ways it was like ok business completed nice knowing you. There were many men like him over a period of time. 

At 18 I found myself pregnant and alone and ready to take on this new role with gusto. I was young people will say. The truth of it was I had lived a more by the time I was 18 than most ever will. So settling down building a life was just what I needed. I met a man who I had dated once. I at the time was 7 months pregnant and he came over for dinner and never left. He was safe and didn't desire sex from me like everyone else had in the past. There was no real love there. There was a security in it though. The ring on my finger was like a talisman protecting me. I emotionally checked out long ago the truth be told and it was comforting to me that I could stay that way. We were together for almost ten years and the words I love you were never uttered by either party. He too I think was looking for the same kind of security that I was for different reasons. I think honestly he had homosexual desires and hard core religious parents that expected him to do the right thing and settle down have a family. I gave him a ready made family. 

I have always have had the lifestyle desires. I remember being 15 years old and some guy telling me he had a cabin in the woods. I later found myself masturbating to the idea of being tied up on a bed in a cabin just like it. When I broached the subject with my ex it wasn't his thing. I should have guessed when we never had sex to begin with twice a year honestly. Which meant lots of masturbating on my part for years. He actually was the one that suggested if there was something more i needed I should go online and find it. 

When I met Daddy it was online. We spent many hours online together. When the realization hit he wasn't like all the rest. I was thrilled. It was like a one in a million find. I had hit the lottery so to speak. Daddy is very sexual sure but then again so am I. It is the emotional side that he brings out in me. I sometimes feel broken. Like I don't react normally to situations. When most people get stressed they scream cry and let all those emotions out. I break out. My body reacts because I am unable to react emotionally. I have had some very stressful situations in my life. One time when a child was sick and we were doing the mad dash to the hospital. I didn't react. When the diagnosis came I didn't react. When the Dr.s are watching you for that break down that never comes. You wonder is there something wrong with you. 



What I need now and what also scares me is I need that emotional connection. I want to break down the walls that I have built. I am also afraid once you start down that slippery slope there is no going back. Daddy wants to be everything to me. I just need to trust him. Let him in. It sound so easy doesn't it. To just let it all go. Well there is a fear there. I real tangible fear that if I become this emotional weepy needy thing. He might not want me. Use my body do anything you wish. I can deal with that. Make me face how I might feel about something and I balk. I fight it tooth and nail. I want it but I don't. I need it but its so overwhelming scary. Like walking at tight rope with someone saying there is a safety net there really there is but never believing it. 


2 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing your story, or at least part of it:)! I'm glad you have your Daddy!

    Love,
    Kitty

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    1. Thanks for pretending you weren't bored to tears.

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