Angst and stuff

I am starting to have doubts. The fear I am not cut out for this as badly as I want it creeps in. Tuesday he beats me good and by Thursday I am crawling out of my skin with angst.  I almost feel this internal struggle going on. Why can't I just be the good little submissive. There is like this disconnect though if that's the right way to describe it. I always end up feeling like there is something wrong with me for needing this. It leaves me wanting to cry in frustration when he says well what do you want tell me. He being a man wants the insert tab A into slot B version. Beat me 326 strokes then rub here lol. What I can't seem to express is how I want to feel while he is inserting tab A into slot B. 


That's my problem the inability to articulate feelings. I mean lets face it ladies there is a huge difference between ok so you want your ass beat bend over and you been naughty and I am going to punish you. There is whole emotional side to the latter that is what most of us are striving for. So asking for it defeats the purpose on the emotional level. So after what you could only call a tantrum he said he was going to punish me this morning after the kids were gone before work. He said have the belt ready. Now I have that whole Daddy fantasy you know the one where he takes off the belt and you know your gonna get it and you are going to be a begging pleading sobbing mess. Your not gonna just say you sorry but your going to mean it. Honestly that is the one scenario that would elicit the emotional response I was talking about. Now as much as he says I am not communicative on this one I have actually said this would do it for me. This one I hinted at long before we even met. 


So you are thinking to yourselves well Damn this might not be something you want to do an hour before work. No probably not. It didn't happen. Kid was sick stayed home from school. Looks like I will be getting a rain check on this.