Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Paddles Belts and not enough time in the day...

So back on track feels good. The only problem right now is nobody else will cooperate. Kid having half days, weather and snow days. All I want is a damn vacation. Some serious alone time I almost forget what that is even like anymore. Daddy has been talking new paddles and I pouted going we don't really use the ones we have right now. Today before work Daddy took the belt to my ass again. We were trying out our new find. I would have liked more but timing is everything lol. We were running late as it was and work was beckoning me. I didn't want to answer but alas always the reliable one. 

Daddy actually bought 2 belts one we have yet to test. I am thinking I need to do the pepsi challenge lol. These were little surprise gifts he left displayed on my pillow. Then he says left ya something upstairs lol. Well  I think I am indeed a pain slut because just seeing them got me all excited and waiting made me pouty. The fun stuff always makes to much noise lol. 

So we have been discussing the whole pain thing. I also wanted to explore the begging thing more. Then to go further I wonder his thoughts on tears. This is a turn on for some. Not so much for others. We have yet to go that far. Mostly because I often feel emotionally stunted. I spent so many years on the defensive and with the smart mouth being my only weapon. These are hard habits to break. You cant make me cry because I don't care was my motto for years. Now I find myself a complete wreck and crying often for no reason. This is really taking its toll on both of us. The stress, the pressure, the need to please. So that's where the whole beat me til I cry comes in. Thinking of it almost like therapy a controlled release of emotions pent up. I once explained it like this....

Think of me like a pressure cooker. Steaming away til the pressure gets so great you either have to release some or the thing explodes. I sometimes feel I am ready to just explode. So I need the emotional release that comes with the rough hard down right brutal usage. He sometimes holds back fearing really hurting me I think. Then again I over think things til I make myself crazy. 

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