Saturday, December 3, 2011

Return to Bitch Mountain...

That's what Daddy said to me. If I ever return to bitch mountain. He will gladly repeat the experience. What I think I need him to understand is I don't want to ever go there again. I had lost my way. I am not a SAM. Though he has said that to me before. What I am is someone who was seeking attention. I freely admit that. It felt like I was being buried under all kinds of outside pressures. He even more so. The problem sometimes is when I have all the outside pressures I want to escape. I want to stop thinking about all that and just be the little girl he wants me to be. 

We were both equally walking around grumbling how the other wasn't meeting our needs. Forgetting the fundamental reason why we got into it in the first place. It isn't just about me. It isn't just about him either. Its a symbiotic relationship with give and take. We had a bad case of the me's. 

So after he totally blew my mind. After he rocked my world it dawned on me. I had an epiphany. That was where I went wrong. I can't submit if I am stomping around worrying about where is mine. I said that to him too. I forgot what I got into this for. I got selfish. So I am changing my outlook. 

What I said to him was I promise to stop worrying about me and throw myself into taking care of you. While you throw yourself into taking care of me. We should both come out of this happy and fulfilled. 

I don't ever want to reach the summit of bitch mountain again. I need Daddy to stop me before I get half way. I need to know that he cares enough to keep me from reaching the top again. In return I will worship him. He has brought me back it was a gift really. I wont say thank you. I will show him instead. How much it meant to me.

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