This calls for chocolate at the very least...

I don't know how he does it but he does. I blogged yesterday about feeling like I am coming apart at the seams then proceeded to do so lol. I literally seemed to be there for a bit. Everything i touched fell apart. It was one of those days you want to just go back to bed. Even my computer didn't cooperate lol. I thought I lost a important work document. He found it for me. Where would I be without him. I laughed last night and said ok is this day over yet omg don't let me touch anything you might want to keep around. I am a walking disaster today. 


He even asked me if I wanted him to go get me some chocolate. This man is a keeper I do believe. We snuck out to our little hideaway last night. Which was just what I needed.  I am glad yesterday is over and they are few and far between. I usually can keep it together lol. I often ask him how he puts up with me and my needy ways. His reply is you are supposed to be needy. 

Spare the rod.......

So back to blogging with a lack of things to blog about can pose a problem lol. I guess the problem isn't so much having nothing to blog about as its trying to figure out where to start. Well we are still on the non smoking trail. 2 months pretty good. We are feeling healthier but still the whole life thing can wear you out, down and just plain exhaust you. We want to be everything to each other who doesn't we just cant figure out how to get the rest of the world to cooperate. 

So we have been so busy and at night we fall into the bed wondering what our names even are some nights. We give each other the this wont go on forever pep talks as needed. I just don't want to be that pouty whiny person that is going hey me what about me lol. I don't want to foot stomp.  The running joke around here lately is........ is that a spanking offence lol. I sometimes tease i could burn the whole dang house down and not get one. The whole idea that one might want one sort of defeats the purpose.. this pain slut sometimes just needs the release i guess. 

I need order and discipline in my life. When I am not getting it for whatever reason I tend to come apart at the seams. That's never good. I really do feel lost and then I finally might have earned a spanking and my back starts to hurt and its not going to happen. I want to cry in frustration how can things be so damn messed up. Then add insult to injury aunt flow comes to visit. I am already feeling needy and pouty and now we add crampy and hormonal. I just plain give up lol. 

To Stop is easy...to Start again not so much...

I stopped blogging for a number of reasons. Mostly it was kids home up my proverbial ass all day long watching my every move. Then it was the winter blues. This isn't to say I stopped being a submissive. I just didn't write because it so wasn't sexy. There was a point where a child was home for 2 weeks almost, whimpering whining sick and that was just when I started my new adventure in quitting smoking. Yes you read that right I quit smoking. Daddy was also sick and smoking way to much so he said he should quit and I said great lets do it. It has been almost 2 months now. No I didn't cheat and I didn't pout or whine. Not a single spanking or punishment doled out it wasn't about that. It was about us both getting healthy so we could start acting like a pair of teenagers lol. 


So in a previous blog I mentioned our little hideaway and how it was being abandoned for the winter. Well winter is over spring weather is here and first thing Daddy did was get us back out there where we can be alone and make a little noise or just sit and eat candy and talk about the day... yes you quit smoking you eat everything that isn't nailed down. We both gained a little lol. When you spent so much time smoking you actually realize how much of your day was devoted to it. So we are back on track feeling healthier. I am back to blogging. As this blog was about me my submission and I said at the beginning its not where I am going to whine cry and pout about life. Lets face it life is what happens while you making plans...

Multiple Orgasms...

I always say multiple orgasms is God's way of saying sorry for child birth. There is a reason women hit their sexual prime in their 30's. The ole biological clock ticks away. I was just hitting my prime when I met Daddy. He gave me my first real orgasm and my first multiple ones. He is a very attentive lover. There is no selfishness about it. Though I have encouraged him to be a little more selfish. 


I remember when we first met. When he would come and spend a week with me. I couldn't get enough. He still teases me about the time he dragged me to the movies and I sat there fidgeting and unable to watch the movie because all I wanted was to get back to the hotel room. He once asked me when he really had me. When I was really his. Was it when he had my eyes rolling back in my head and all I could say was damn. I said damn a lot lol. 


So here is the answer. This is when he had me totally. We spent a week at a time together once a month for 3 months straight. The second week he came. He said something or I did. I can't even remember who said what. All I know is I ran. I stomped out and started for home. I was angry and upset. Doing the whole grumbling while I stomped along. I didn't get half way home when I swear I heard his voice in my head. Which only made me more upset. I stopped right there on the sidewalk wondering what to do. Then I surprised myself and turned around and headed back. There I was standing at his door. When he opened it I said I hate you. I hate you for already being inside my head. He made love to me that night softly sweetly and whispered all the things I needed to hear. That was when he had me. That was the moment I was his. 

Feeling... (warning long rambling post)

My views on sexuality are in large part shaped by my upbringing. I learned early what made me different from boys. By the time I was 12, before puberty even hit , I knew what the opposite sex wanted from me. 

At the ripe old age of 16 I learned that sexuality could also be used as currency. I am not embarrassed by this or ashamed because, I had something they wanted, something of value. I was 16 when I was introduced to my first vibrator. I wasn't terribly impressed I must say lol. The lifestyle desires were there but the need to protect myself over road these desires. The man who introduced me to my first vibrator wasn't some scary perv in my mind. We had an arrangement. I needed a place to stay he wanted some companionship and a babysitter on occasion. When we parted ways it was like ok business completed nice knowing you. There were many men like him over a period of time. 

At 18 I found myself pregnant and alone and ready to take on this new role with gusto. I was young people will say. The truth of it was I had lived a more by the time I was 18 than most ever will. So settling down building a life was just what I needed. I met a man who I had dated once. I at the time was 7 months pregnant and he came over for dinner and never left. He was safe and didn't desire sex from me like everyone else had in the past. There was no real love there. There was a security in it though. The ring on my finger was like a talisman protecting me. I emotionally checked out long ago the truth be told and it was comforting to me that I could stay that way. We were together for almost ten years and the words I love you were never uttered by either party. He too I think was looking for the same kind of security that I was for different reasons. I think honestly he had homosexual desires and hard core religious parents that expected him to do the right thing and settle down have a family. I gave him a ready made family. 

I have always have had the lifestyle desires. I remember being 15 years old and some guy telling me he had a cabin in the woods. I later found myself masturbating to the idea of being tied up on a bed in a cabin just like it. When I broached the subject with my ex it wasn't his thing. I should have guessed when we never had sex to begin with twice a year honestly. Which meant lots of masturbating on my part for years. He actually was the one that suggested if there was something more i needed I should go online and find it. 

When I met Daddy it was online. We spent many hours online together. When the realization hit he wasn't like all the rest. I was thrilled. It was like a one in a million find. I had hit the lottery so to speak. Daddy is very sexual sure but then again so am I. It is the emotional side that he brings out in me. I sometimes feel broken. Like I don't react normally to situations. When most people get stressed they scream cry and let all those emotions out. I break out. My body reacts because I am unable to react emotionally. I have had some very stressful situations in my life. One time when a child was sick and we were doing the mad dash to the hospital. I didn't react. When the diagnosis came I didn't react. When the Dr.s are watching you for that break down that never comes. You wonder is there something wrong with you. 

What I need now and what also scares me is I need that emotional connection. I want to break down the walls that I have built. I am also afraid once you start down that slippery slope there is no going back. Daddy wants to be everything to me. I just need to trust him. Let him in. It sound so easy doesn't it. To just let it all go. Well there is a fear there. I real tangible fear that if I become this emotional weepy needy thing. He might not want me. Use my body do anything you wish. I can deal with that. Make me face how I might feel about something and I balk. I fight it tooth and nail. I want it but I don't. I need it but its so overwhelming scary. Like walking at tight rope with someone saying there is a safety net there really there is but never believing it. 

I love you .....But.....

This is how I am feeling lately. Sadly saying so doesn't help at all. I love you... but.... is not what I needed to hear today. 

PMS = Potential Murder Suspect

Yes here we are that time of the month again you could set your watch by my mood. Aunt flow came to visit. Isn't that the cutesiest  term for something that can leave you a ball of raging hormones. Daddy usually keeps the house stocked with chocolate for just such occasions. He also has baked me brownie pudding which is to die for. It is a very rich dessert and I should post the recipe its not for the faint of heart with 2 sticks of butter 2 cups of sugar and like 6 eggs. Though let me tell you put them together with a little cocoa and you have heaven in a bowl. 


Now in order to get brownie pudding I have to be a really good girl. One time he said good girls get the brownie pudding and bad girls will wind up with jello lol. I was like your kidding right. Nope apparently he wasn't as the next morning sitting untouched was a whole bowl of jello. 


So how does one earn brownie pudding? She begs that's how. Its actually kind of  hot the way he makes me come out of my comfort zone. Daddy loves to hear me beg. Begging to have him fuck me is so damn delicious.  When its anal and he knows I want it and how hard it is for me to even admit it let alone beg for it. He can make me do things and say things that no other man ever could. Simply because he is my Daddy in all ways. 

Time out...

Yes I on occasion get a time out. Daddy has his own method for giving me a time out. I actually rather like it. Yesterday after work he took me upstairs and chained me by one leg cuff to the bed. He has done this before. Its actually very calming. I read, and hung out with the kitten. I am just not allowed off the bed. I spent 3 hours this way. It really can set your mind right. Its not a punishment as much as its permission to just check out and chill for a bit. 


I actually have changed jobs in the last 6 months. Same work different company. I actually said to Daddy last night this new job unsettles me and I get very frustrated because of one simple thing. Structure there is none. I need that and the lack of it throws me off kilter in all aspects of my life. There were procedures and information flowed at my last company. This new one you pretty much show up do what you want and leave no information or feedback. Then you get an email from my lovely boss who honestly has no tact. When you open an email from your employer and read the words. You are just ignorant; not sent directly to me, but to all the staff,  you wonder.


So yes after dealing with uncertainty and idiocy all day. I need a time out. I do appreciate that he allows me this little indulgence. He has suggested its time I schedule a mental health day. Take a day off and spend it just being Daddy's little girl. I am on board with that idea. I sometimes think I need a mental health week. 

Angst and stuff

I am starting to have doubts. The fear I am not cut out for this as badly as I want it creeps in. Tuesday he beats me good and by Thursday I am crawling out of my skin with angst.  I almost feel this internal struggle going on. Why can't I just be the good little submissive. There is like this disconnect though if that's the right way to describe it. I always end up feeling like there is something wrong with me for needing this. It leaves me wanting to cry in frustration when he says well what do you want tell me. He being a man wants the insert tab A into slot B version. Beat me 326 strokes then rub here lol. What I can't seem to express is how I want to feel while he is inserting tab A into slot B. 


That's my problem the inability to articulate feelings. I mean lets face it ladies there is a huge difference between ok so you want your ass beat bend over and you been naughty and I am going to punish you. There is whole emotional side to the latter that is what most of us are striving for. So asking for it defeats the purpose on the emotional level. So after what you could only call a tantrum he said he was going to punish me this morning after the kids were gone before work. He said have the belt ready. Now I have that whole Daddy fantasy you know the one where he takes off the belt and you know your gonna get it and you are going to be a begging pleading sobbing mess. Your not gonna just say you sorry but your going to mean it. Honestly that is the one scenario that would elicit the emotional response I was talking about. Now as much as he says I am not communicative on this one I have actually said this would do it for me. This one I hinted at long before we even met. 


So you are thinking to yourselves well Damn this might not be something you want to do an hour before work. No probably not. It didn't happen. Kid was sick stayed home from school. Looks like I will be getting a rain check on this.

Opening up?? maybe I might

Daddy has asked me if it took so long for me to admit I am a little pain slut. What else am i keeping locked away? He said he really wants to know it all and that I can tell him anyway I feel  comfortable. Well the problem is I don't know why but I clam up when it comes such things. Now I don't any bizarre fetishes that would make him squick. 


I do love when he shows that sadistic side. I am sitting here with a couple of little bruises from yesterday's play. Had I known he was holding back I would have mentioned it so much earlier. I guess the lesson learned here is sometimes in order to get what you need you have to speak up. I am going to give it a honest try being a little more open about what i need. I often think he has his hands far more full than he realizes. 


We actually sat down yesterday and watched "The story of "O". It was interesting to say the least. There were parts of it I can honestly say did nothing for me. I did however like how it was portrayed. There was no real seediness to it. It was just what they did. It  is quite impressive for the time it was made.  

Tied up on Tuesday

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Panties to be or not to be

When Daddy and I first got together our dynamic was different. The rule was no panties. Well our dynamic changed and so has this particular rule. Now he not only wants me to wear panties he actually likes buying them for me. He actually just called me while he was out to tell me he bought me new ones. 

There is something to be said for knowing he will pull them down and spank me like a naughty girl. I cant wait to see what he bought. Does  your Dom/Daddy/Master use the term of your choice let you wear panties and if so does he buy them for you? Inquiring minds want to know.

Confession is good for the soul

It also makes for a sore ass. Which I am loving. I think Daddy is enjoying it as well. In the last couple of days its been paddle, belt and cane. There is also talk of buying more. The truth is getting a good ass beating brings out something in me. It has a calming effect that he noticed instantly. I said its like a good beating is better than prozac and cheaper to boot. 


So this doesn't make me a SAM. I really do try to please. He joked guess beating wouldn't be much of a punishment now would it. I am not sure that is actually the case. Many have blogged on the different kind of spankings there are. From sensual to maintenance and all the ones in between. I guess I am much relieved he isn't scared by this need. There was a part of me that was afraid he would not be able to take the next step and find his inner Sadist. Oh to my delight there is one in there. Now to convince him to come out and play. Its like a whole new world has opened up and the sky is the limit. 

You should have said so..

So I had a dirty little secret. One I have been keeping to myself mostly because honestly I didn't want to freak him out. Lets face it sometimes you do sit there and think to yourself what the hell is wrong with me for getting off on this anyway. Or at least that thought goes through my head often enough. 


I, of course, confess this little secret not in a calm rational here it is kind of way. I blurt it out in a moment of anger. The problem being Daddy never forgets a word of what I say so it came back to haunt me. 


The big secret I revealed to Daddy was the need for pain. He has the quiet take care of you Dom approach. There are times he lets things slide because I am having such a rough day. While honestly inside I was crying out for it. Needing him to not go easy on me at all but in fact the complete opposite. 


So as I said my words came back to haunt me as always. He got out the cane. He beat my ass hard for no other reason than because I needed it. I actually had an orgasm while he beat me. I also squirted when he fucked me after. Hard the way he knows I love it. So my secret is out.  Daddy simply said "Well you should have said so." I am a little relieved and a little sore today.


I actually felt the need to apologize feeling like this somehow made me defective. The only thing that made me feel better was all the like minded bloggers who seek the same thing in different forms. I may think myself a freak sometimes but I am heartened I am not alone. 

So I am naked?!?!

Wonder what Freud would say about this? I have been having a reaccuring dream that I find myself in really social and awkward situations naked. Noticeably naked and feeling embarrassed and reaching for something to cover myself. Why I would be strolling through the mall totally naked and only realizing it when someone sees me is the question. This is a dream I have often and though I do walk around unabashedly naked in front of Daddy I don't think I have the least little bit of exhibitionism in me at all. 


So on a more interesting note. This happened while I was totally awake. Daddy said earlier in the day I bought myself some bondage and this girl is a bondage slut for sure. So when he later was saying he was not feeling well and he was tired. I automatically assumed that said plans were to be put on hold. He tells me often not to guess. As lets face it if given 2 options I will pick the wrong one almost every time lol. So when he comes upstairs and I am not wearing my favorite restraints he eyes me and says well why are they not on. Then I do the shrug. Well you said you weren't feeling well and I was kindly giving you an out. I am so thoughtful that way. 


So usually bondage for me is face down ass in the right position for a proper beating. Much to my surprise Daddy opted for face up which had me intrigued to say the least. He starts working my clit and it takes no time at all to get me writhing in pleasure. Then he starts working his fingers in starting with one and then two. This is when he decides we should talk about the possibility of fisting.  Now I am cumming like crazy and he has all 4 of his fingers in me when he smacks my pussy and well off I went good thing i was tied down lol. After he let me catch my breath and untied me. He brought it up again. He said though he couldn't at this point fist me. It is something he would like to work towards...... then he says not just your pussy either. That's when I started to panic a little. Uhm ok I said now at least my pussy has had 3 children come from there so a fist should not be terribly damaging done right. He says omg I think you would love it and cum like you never have before. 


So me being the total wise ass looked at him and said. My brain, my mouth, my ass and left tit all voted no on fisting my ass. He looked at me curiously and said what your right tit is all for it then. I said no the right one abstained because it heard you were a pincher. So on a much more serious note its something to work up to maybe something we might never be successful at sure but oh the fun to be had trying. I guess I am not saying no I am just saying lets wait and see how she goes. 

Paddles Belts and not enough time in the day...

So back on track feels good. The only problem right now is nobody else will cooperate. Kid having half days, weather and snow days. All I want is a damn vacation. Some serious alone time I almost forget what that is even like anymore. Daddy has been talking new paddles and I pouted going we don't really use the ones we have right now. Today before work Daddy took the belt to my ass again. We were trying out our new find. I would have liked more but timing is everything lol. We were running late as it was and work was beckoning me. I didn't want to answer but alas always the reliable one. 

Daddy actually bought 2 belts one we have yet to test. I am thinking I need to do the pepsi challenge lol. These were little surprise gifts he left displayed on my pillow. Then he says left ya something upstairs lol. Well  I think I am indeed a pain slut because just seeing them got me all excited and waiting made me pouty. The fun stuff always makes to much noise lol. 

So we have been discussing the whole pain thing. I also wanted to explore the begging thing more. Then to go further I wonder his thoughts on tears. This is a turn on for some. Not so much for others. We have yet to go that far. Mostly because I often feel emotionally stunted. I spent so many years on the defensive and with the smart mouth being my only weapon. These are hard habits to break. You cant make me cry because I don't care was my motto for years. Now I find myself a complete wreck and crying often for no reason. This is really taking its toll on both of us. The stress, the pressure, the need to please. So that's where the whole beat me til I cry comes in. Thinking of it almost like therapy a controlled release of emotions pent up. I once explained it like this....

Think of me like a pressure cooker. Steaming away til the pressure gets so great you either have to release some or the thing explodes. I sometimes feel I am ready to just explode. So I need the emotional release that comes with the rough hard down right brutal usage. He sometimes holds back fearing really hurting me I think. Then again I over think things til I make myself crazy. 

And She Returns...

I would love to say I haven't blogged because I was all tied up but alas no. We had some personal issues and bumps in the road and I promised myself this blog would not turn into a I hate my life diatribe so I stopped writing. 

We seem to be back on track. I do know a combination of things have kept our focus on other things. I am hoping that we can again find ourselves and again enjoy time together. Daddy has so much on his plate and I sometimes feel I am another chore for him to take care of. Where did the fun go is what I asked him. We are supposed to be having fun at this. We need us time. 

We have gotten back into it. Daddy has a whole new zeal for it. I am just glad to have him back. We are again talking which everyone knows is the first and most important part of all this. Though I am still having issues asking for what I need. I have been trying. I told him I need more. More what is the question. More hands on. I do love his hands on me. I did ask if we could explore some things. Like I appear to be a pain slut. I would love to delve into that a little more. Apparently I have also developed an appreciation for anal sex. Though I guess I have always secretly wanted more the idea of asking for more made me blush to say the least. Good girls don't do that and mamma raised a good girl here. Apparently good girls can beg for it under the right conditions. When he gets me to that point I am totally his. That's what I need sometimes to just be able to let go and say what I want or beg as the case may be. 

I think begging is so damn hot. I love it. There is something so erotic about saying please Daddy... and knowing he will gladly oblige me. That's how its been for the last few days. Me just being able to let go and beg for it. So I am back and blogging. Daddy said when I was ready to return to blogland it was up to me. He seemed to like being able to read it and get a little insight into what really goes on in my over active mind.