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So being grounded has not made me a sullen cranky pouty brat. If anything I am thriving. He even has commented that with how I am reacting to this I might be grounded for life. Its the security of it the closeness of it. The fact he takes the time to notice. Lets face it that's all a girl really wants. Being able to be who you are. He is taking control which i need. He is also letting me know my efforts have not gone unnoticed but that doesn't mean I am in any way off the hook for my out of control behavior.
The part I regret most is how mean I was.Not trusting him to be there. When he has always been there. The part I grapple with most is the emotional aspects. Do what you will to my body but emotionally I hold back. I keep that little part of me to myself. Then when I finally get emotional its destructive. I spent my whole life keeping them bottled up. I learned to build a wall. You cant hurt me because I don't care. I also have a smart assed answer for everything. Another defence mechanism. Can I surrender? It's not that I don't want to but what if you take that leap of faith and find out the pool is empty. What if my need outweighs his desire for control? The better question is. Why can't I just go with it why must I always second guess, over analyze and talk myself out of the very thing I desire most.
The part I regret most is how mean I was.Not trusting him to be there. When he has always been there. The part I grapple with most is the emotional aspects. Do what you will to my body but emotionally I hold back. I keep that little part of me to myself. Then when I finally get emotional its destructive. I spent my whole life keeping them bottled up. I learned to build a wall. You cant hurt me because I don't care. I also have a smart assed answer for everything. Another defence mechanism. Can I surrender? It's not that I don't want to but what if you take that leap of faith and find out the pool is empty. What if my need outweighs his desire for control? The better question is. Why can't I just go with it why must I always second guess, over analyze and talk myself out of the very thing I desire most.
You're not alone in questioning everything. I do that all the time. I'm always worrying about "what if this?" or "what if that?". We're conditioned from an early age to be more self reliant. We see when other people make mistakes, how that can impact our lives.
ReplyDeleteAs a people, we're trained to not let anyone control who we are at our core. We see cults and forced marriages. It's in our minds that control on that level is bad. We're not shown how that level of control can lead to love and happiness.
It's no excuse, but I always seek to understand the "why" behind things. Dominance and submission is hard because socially we're not meant to live the lives we do. I've also come to realize that just as hard as it is for us subs to submit, it can be just as hard for the Doms to enforce their will.
I was in a bad state about a week ago. I know my Master wanted to comfort and protect me. Hold me close and whisper that everything would be okay. I know it hurt both of us to be apart as I worked through my thoughts. Yet it's what was needed at the time.
I'm convinced every sub and Dom questions themselves at times. Questions why we live this life. When it matters most, what actions do we take? Or don't take? So question and sort out your feelings, but also remember that you submit to his will- freely and with love.
*hugs*
cuddlykitten
I hope you can stop talking yourself out of the very things you desire most.
ReplyDeleteFD
I love, love, LOVE your template!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Hermione